Smell My Wand
by nerdalert123
Summary: A story of Harry's midnight romps around the castle. Oh yes, I said romps. Yaoi warning.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter Uno

There I was once again in Professor Dumbledore's office.

"Harry you seem to have something on your mind." he said thoughtfully. Something about Dumbledore was so comforting. I felt safe when I was with him. I trusted him completely. He made me feel safe and protected, like sleeping against a wall.

"Nothing's wrong professor." I mumbled. But I was lying.

"Ah, I see. If there is nothing wrong then why are you here?"

"I dunno." I said sheepishly.

"Harry, I have known you since you were just a baby. I can certainly tell when something is bothering you."

"I am confused." I blurted out.

"Confused? About what? I don't seem to understand." he stated calmly.

"I guess I'm going to have to tell you the story." I was so scared to tell him. I admired Dumbledore so much. And there was a persistent little voice inside me telling me to stop talking and run. But I didn't listen to it.

It was three days ago. After I finished eating dinner with my two favorite pals Ron and Hermione, I had to wiz. Bad. So like any other day I walked to the boys' bathroom. I was in a very good mood because before I had dinner I had a little 'fun' with Hermione. But that's a totally different story altogether. So there I was spelling the alphabet with my urine, when Draco Malfoy walked in. He was caught off guard as was I. I was so startled actually, that I accidently peed all over myself. Malfoy scoffed loudly,

"You don't have very good aim do you potter?" he said beginning to chortle.

"Your mother seemed to think I did." I retorted. I was quite pleased with myself for being so quick-witted.

"At least I've got a mum." He said smugly. That was it. I snapped. I grabbed Draco by the shirt collar and slammed him against a wall. I was about to hit him right in the nads when he said.

"What are you gonna do potter? Do it I dare you!" Suddenly all of the hatred I had towards that boy turned to lust. All I wanted was to be with him. So being the charming lad I am I kissed him. At first he looked at me he looked so confused and shocked. Yum. But then he smiled. I could see that he wanted the same.

He started to kiss me savagely groping anywhere and everywhere. Somehow in a twisted ball of passion we were able take off each other's shirts. Now I had thought I was a skilled lover. I spent many of my "study sessions" with random Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. They were always girls though. Never had I been with a lad before. It felt new and exciting, like learning to ride a broom. I felt powerful and finally satisfied. There was always something missing, and Malfoy filled that hole. (Literally)

He proceeded to kiss me on the neck all the way to button on my trousers. Then he unbuttoned and unzipped my pants with his teeth. I was very impressed. Then he pulled off his pants and boxers, revealing the body of a Greek god. I stood there awestruck, I felt self conscious. I think Malfoy could tell he said.

"Don't worry you're one hot piece of ass." He said that as he slapped my rump. I giggled and blushed.

We continued on kissing and groping making our way to the showers. When I got there I quickly wriggled out of my clothes. Draco grinned devilishly, and then he turned on the water. At first it was very hot. I yelped. This made Draco chortle.

"Potter you better get used to it, 'cause things are gonna get reaaaaaaaaalllllly HOTT." At this point I felt dirty, like I was doing something that was wrong. I mean I wasn't exactly with Hermione, but I don't think she would approve of me being with a man. I started to scrub myself vigorously. But that damn soap was so slippery, I dropped it.

"Dammit" I muttered. SO I bent down to pick it up. At that point I had forgotten that Draco was in there with me.

"AIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I yelped. When I had bent over I felt something shoot up my tight buttocks.

"Oooooohhhhhhhhh dearrrrrr." I drawled. It felt deliciously dirty. So wrong but soo… yummy. I glanced up at Draco. He was smiling like he had just conquered the Spanish Armada.

"Do you like that sexy cheeks?'" he whispered.

"MMMMMmMMMMMMHHHHMMMM" That was all I could muster. I was too deep in pleasure and ecstasy. He thudded against me faster and slower teasing and pleasing me. I grunted and yelped like a dog tied to a pole for too long. This seemed to amuse him. Finally we both finished. Draco was quite the silent lover. I however wasn't.

"That wa-" I turned around expecting to see Draco behind me, but he was gone. I was alone.

"Draco?" I called out. There was no answer. I sat in the shower for a long time thinking.

Dumbledore looked at me, his eyes twinkled.

"So, Harry you are starting to question whether you like hotdog or taco?" he said bluntly. I was quite surprised by this.

"I- uh guess" I felt both my sets of cheeks grow bright red.

"Harry it is quite normal for a charming devilishly good looking chap like you too feel a little….. Curious." He was saying this as he nibbled on the tip of his glasses. Then he winked at me.

"Professor….."

"Call me Daddy" he purred.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Dos

"Professor… are you coming onto me?" I was so confused. I always knew there was something a little fruity about him but I didn't ever think he would make a move on me.

"Oh I do want to come on you…." He giggled at his own joke. Oh what the hell? I thought. It's not like he was completely unattractive. I kind of have a thing for older men. More experience.

I started to unbutton my shirt when I heard a new deep voice that startled me.

"Oh myyyyyyy. Potter…." It was Snape.

"Oh hello Severus! I was just about to teach Potter the magic of pleasing another man." Dumbledore said quickly.

"May I join; I uhh may have some tips that you don't know…" Snape said blushing but keeping his voice cool and calm.

"Well I suppose that is up to Mr. Potter, Severus." Was this really happening? Ever since the incident with Draco all I wanted was to be with another man. And now I can have two for the price of one. SCORE!

"I mean if it's for the sake of learning… I guess. "I tried to not sound eager. I pretended like I got hot teacher ass all the time. But I was as giddy as a schoolgirl.

At first it was just Dumbledore kissing my neck and Snape was running his hands in between my thighs. I felt myself grow hard.

"My turn first…" said Dumbledore. He began to unbutton and unzip my pants. He smelled of lilacs and pudding. Delish. I looked over and Snape was watching intently with a very sexy smile on his face. Dumbledore then pulled off my pants and began to lick my wiener. Up and down left and right slapping it against his tongue. Then it was engulfed in his black hole.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm" then he stopped.

"Mr. Potter your penile membrane tastes exactly like pistachios. YUMMEEH!" He giggled and again began to give me the best head of my life.

"OH HAGRID'S BEARD!" I finally cried out when I finished. Dumbledore looked up at me and wiped his mouth.

"May I have a go professor?" Snape asked as he cleared his throat.

"Oh by all means Severus!"

Snape quickly pulled down his pants and took out his monster cock. I was the size of a small infant. I gulped.

"Are you scared Potter? Don't worry. I don't bite… hard." I was so excited but so scared. Anticipation filled my body as I went into kitty cat pose, cheeks spread. Slowly he entered my tunnel of love. I could feel every inch.

"AWWWWW SHIT!" I looked over and there was Dumbledore casually sitting naked in his chair watching while eating a toaster strudel.

SO very slowly he began to go back and forth, letting me get used to it. It was even better than the time with Draco. Snape was a pro.

Faster. Faster. FASTER. Then we both finished. I looked up at Snape. Shit, it was twelve everyone would be wondering where I was, and I didn't want to have to think up an excuse.

Quickly I pulled on my pants and put on my shirt while quietly making my way down the hall. When I got to my room I saw Ron sitting on his bed.

"Where have you been?" he sounded very angry. I tried to think of an excuse but all I could think of was Snape's huge dick.

"Out….can't a man air out his balls in peace?" I was starting to get a little testy.

"Hermione has been crying to me all night, saying that she needs to talk to you about something really important. What did you do? Propose anal?"

Shit. What could it been. I have always been a gentleman to her, letting her finish and what not.

"Well it's going to have to wait until tomorrow, I'm exhausted." Then I turned off the lamp next to our table.

That night I dreamed of Snape, Dumbledore, Draco and Snape's dick dancing to blue Danube waltz.

I woke up starving. After sex munchies I guess. I slipped out of bed and walked over to my trunk while scratching my balls. I went down to breakfast with Ron. On the way I walked by Draco. He winked at me. Then he started to talk to Crabbe about something. I was half way through my eggs when Hermione came up to me, her make-up all streaked. She threw something onto my meal.

"MY EGGS! You bitch. What is this some kind of plastic wand? It smells like pee and asparagus."

"It's a pregnancy test you poofer! YOU KNOCKED ME UP!" AT this point everyone was looking.

"How do you know it was me, you weren't exactly a virgin! I saw you fucking Fred AND George at the same time yesterday!" Fred high fived George.

"I know it was you because we didn't use protection, and you said that if I got knocked up by this that I should just go to Mexico to have it taken care of. And that is what Cho does all the time."

Maybe it was the hormones I don't know, but she got furious. She grabbed a fist years Daily Prophet and started hitting me with it. For a preggo bitch she had a pretty good arm.

"OW. STOP…. That hurts." She kept on hitting me; I crawled up on top of the table trying to get away. I was crawling down to the other end on the table when she started throwing bagels. That's when things got really ugly. Those bagels where hard. Hermione hit me right in the temple, I passed out.

I opened my eyes. Slowly I very large white room came into view. I saw a familiar face. Madam Pomfrey was looking down at me.

"What happened? " I croaked my throat was dry and scratchy, like after smoking too much gillyweed.

"An angry baby mamma that's what happened… these kids aren't what they used to be. "She shook her head then gave me a glass of water and walked away. She looked back and said.

"Stay for two more hours then you can go back to classes." Time to look at the damage. I slowly reached up to my sore swollen temple and touched it. I grabbed the hand mirror on the stand next me. On the left side of my head there was a big ugly purple lump. I closed my eyes tightly and went back to sleep.

I was walking down the long dungeon hallway quickly. I knew I was late; hopefully Snape would be a little nicer to me after last night. I slowly opened the door peering into the dark room.

"Where have you been Potter?" Snape asked. I froze he was looking straight into my eyes. I could see lust smoldering in them. I knew quickly that he was going to let me get away with it.

"I over slept in the hospital wing… Proffffessssssor." I tried to sound as sexy as I could.

"Very well get out your book…"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Tres

After potions I wasn't feeling much better. My head still ached and I was starting to think about what Hermione had told me. What if I really was the father? What if she expected me to take care of it? Maybe I should move to India.

"Something on your mind mate?" Ron asked me during dinner. I wasn't really hungry so I just played with my mashed potatoes. I sculpted it into a penis and then squished it and proceeded to mold it into a vagina and so forth.

"What if I really did knock up Hermione? What would I do with a baby? I can't even take care of Hedwig!" I was starting to get really worried. I had to escape somewhere.

"I –uh am going to go to bed, err goodnight." I walked quickly away before Ron could ask me where I was going. I went up to my trunk and pulled out my invisibility cloak. I tiptoed out of the room and pulled the material over my head. I got to the Slytherin common room and waited.

I heard the door close and Draco's beautiful voice. I turned around to look at him. God he looked so sexy.

"I'm very tired. I think I am going to go to bed boys." Draco said. Then he started walking. I started following him, staring his butt along the way. Then we made it up to his room. He turned around and looked straight at me.

"Potter I can tell you're here." He grabbed the cloak and pulled it off me.

"How could you tell?"I was startled that he could sense me there. I started to blush. I began to rethink my being there.

"I heard you breathing like a dog in heat." Draco sneered. "If we are going to keep doing this, you have to make your attraction less obvious."

"I'm trying I swear. Besides no one thinks that something is up." I wanted him sooo badly. All I could think of was the last time I saw him and how deliciously steamy it was.

"Just be a good boy and act like nothing is going on."Draco said to me, and then softly he kissed me. It was soo hard to act like nothing was going on when I was getting so many arses all at once.

Draco continued to kiss me and lead me to his bed. I ended up staying the night. I think you know what happened then.

The next morning Draco woke me very early. We said goodbye and I snuck back to my room without waking anyone. I went back to sleep. In my dream Hermione give birth to sextuplets and she expected me to remember all of their names. What a nightmare. After that dream I had a dream about having sex with Snape in his classroom, and I was leaned against his desk in a schoolgirl costume. It was strangely hot.

"Get up sleepybutt" Ron said. Then Ron threw his dirty undies on my face. I had to talk to Hermione. I needed to know now what we were going to about this whole…. thing. I didn't bother getting dressed; I walked straight into the girls' dormitory.

"WWWWWHAT THE FUCK POTTER?" Parvati Patil screamed. Maybe I should have knocked. There she was in nothing but a pair of socks.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" she yelled and pointed to my pants. I looked down. Shit I had morning wood!

"ERRRE where's Hermione?" I asked trying to cover my boner with a house elf who was of course happy to oblige.

"Meehhhhh" Parvati gestured to the closet door. I scampered away like a cat after you paint its nails. I closed the door behind me and turned around to see Hermione with a cigarette in one hand and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels in the other.

"Oh woowwww look who finally decided to show up. I thought I was just anotherrr one of yer hump and dumps." She slurred.

"Are you drunk? Oh never mind that. Are you sure that the baby is my mine?" I asked.

"As sure as I am about the fact that Professor Flitwick has a thing for Asians." Hermione said as she puffed out smoke.

"Well do you want me to be errr the daddy?" I felt so awkward.

"Oh you're very good at being a daddy…."

"Jesus Hermione stop bein such a castrating bitch!" That's when she started to lose it.

"Fuck you Potter!" she screamed as she threw the now empty bottle at my head. I crashed against the wall one foot away from my head. Good thing I ducked.

"Listen Hermione, I can see that you are a little emotional right now. I'm just going to let you know that I will be there for you and the thing." I said as I left the room.

"Wow you're a choad" Parvati said as I entered the main room.

"Can it you harpy!" I snapped and then I left.

I walked unhappily back to my dorm.

"Wow you are you ok? Parvati just texted me." Ron said as he pointed to his phone.

"Jesus Ron I don't need your sass!" He was being such a tool.

"I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help..." Ron said.

"Yeah, go eat Filche's jock-strap!"

"It's not my fault you're a horny bastard who sticks it in ANYTHING including watermelons!" Ron's ears turned bright red. I knew he was serious.

"That is not true!"

"Oh face it Harry you're a WHORE!"

SMACK!

I slapped him across the face, damn ginger had it coming.

"You take that back!" I demanded. Ron stood there awestruck holding his pink cheek. My chest heaved as I stood there silently. Waiting.

Then Ron leaned it and kissed me, his lips tasted of roast beef and bubblegum. It turned quickly into the worlds steamiest make out session in history!

"MMMMMMAKLRUYJJJPP!" Ron said in s small muffled voice. Then he pulled back as I moved my hands to the zipper of his pants.

"Sorry daddy but I'm not that easy!" Ron said. He grinned and walked away swinging his hips.

Once again I stood there alone with a massive boner. But at this point I was starting to get used to it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The next few days I tried to lay low. Ron and I were still talking and such but a little more flirtatiously. I didn't know what the hell was going to happen with Hermione. Parvati said she wouldn't leave her room for anything and she accidently drank Hermione's pee because she thought it was a bottle of apple juice.

"Potter?" I looked up there was professor Umbridge staring but at me with her disgustingly sweet smile.

"Yes Professor?" I wasn't in the mood to talk. I had a lot on my plate, like worrying about how Hermione's bastard child was cookin', and Snape had been busting my balls lately.

"I would like to have a word with you after class." She said too happily. "Alright" I said. I was trying to go over anything I had done wrong lately. Sure I had dropped a couple dung bombs on Hermione, but that's what girls like. I only had 10 more minutes of class anyways. I spent those last minutes shooting spit wads at Hermione and Parvati. Then it was finally time to go. All of my classmates slowly filed out of the classroom.

"So you wanted to talk to me Professor?"

"Oh Harry, call me Dolores…." She said as she unzipped and stepped out of her dress revealing an all black bustier with a miniscule black thong and matching heels. Her body wasn't exactly the most appealing. It reminded me of the time I walked in on Dudley dancing in Aunt Petunia's lingerie. Her butt also reminded me of Dumbledore's, kind of saggy and lots of dimples. Her shoulders were very broad, but I must say she has a fantastic body structure to be a linebacker.

"Harry, you are failing my class, but I know how you can get some… extra credit."

"ERRRRRRRRR." I was too shocked to say anything else.

"SHHHHHHHHHH. Don't speak; let me do the talking…" At this point I was starting to panic, I looked around for any exits, but there was nowhere to escape. Umbridge pulled her wand out of her cleavage with a swish and a flick smooth jazz started to play.

"Well I really do need the extra credit" I said as I gulped.

"Shhh shh shhh. This is a no talk zone..." Then she pounced. I couldn't do anything but just take it; I knew even if I said no, she wouldn't stop. She began to kiss me, but it was more like she was trying to eat my face. She was very rough and strangely strong. She slammed me against the wall repeatedly as she licked my face like a dog that's too friendly. Then she stepped away from me.

"Strip" she said as she giggled giddily. I obeyed and got all the way down to my whitey tighties. She did the same, first sliding down her corset revealing her very small muscular tittles. Then she swiveled her hips as she pulled off her panties.

"What The fuck?" I screamed. Staring back me was Umbridge's dick. She pulled off her wig and revealed her short dark blonde hair.

"You're a man?" I gasped horrified.

"Yes I am, and you're gonna be my bitch!" he said in a much lower voice than what I was used to. Now, I do enjoy being with men but not when a few minutes ago I thought they were a woman. I found my chance to run and I sure did. I didn't bother to take my clothes I just sprinted. I looked back to see his face turn to pure rage under all the make-up. She I mean he looked like a raging bull. I was half way through the hallway when he started to chase me. I ran into a blob of second year's which slowed me down. When I turned around he was right on my heels. I let out a girlish scream.

"POTTER!" he growled. This made me scream more as I sped up. I had to find somewhere with a lot of witnesses. I knew where to go. I turned a sharp corner surprising her, and I ran full speed into the great hall screaming all the way. I turned around to see her still behind. I stopped for a split second to see her and then.

"SMMAACKKK" our two bodies slapped each other as she tackled me. I hit the ground hard losing my breath and seeing stars.

"Ssssshhhhhhiit." was all I could manage to say. He then got off of me and walked out of the hall. I looked around stunned, my head still spinning.

"Mr. Potter, come with me." I looked up to see Dumbledore standing in front of me with his hand outstretched. I grabbed it and he helped me up. We made our way to his office in silence. I just then remembered that I was still in my underwear.

Dumbledore closed his door behind me."Well damn!" he said while giggling. "You sure are the charmer aren't you?"

"MEEEEEEHHHHH" I uttered a sharp cry. I was still trying to figure out what just happened.

"Umbridge is a man?" I finally MANaged to ask (pun intended).

"Well yes, I was also shocked at first. I first found out at last year's Christmas party. She got drunk on too much eggnog. She insisted that I go back to her room. I was feeling festive so I thought, why not? Then she took off her clothes and then I found out she was a man. I am gay, so I decided to fool around for a while. The next morning I took off in a hurry. I was so embarrassed and she has been angry with me ever since. That is why she is trying to kick me out of Hogwarts. The bitch!" Dumbledore said bitterly.

"That actually makes sense…. Sort of." I didn't feel like asking questions.

"Mr. Potter you have had a very eventful night. I am sure you want to have a little alone time." Dumbledore stood up and walked me to my room.

When I got to my room I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. I went straight to bed, I didn't even put on clothes.

The next morning I was feeling better and I got a letter.


End file.
